Just yesterday, I was discussing the consequences of getting married to two friends: one is an eligible bachelor and the other is an eligible spinster. They were both non-committal about it.
I have been thinking about it. The point is that we lead complex lives. We really don’t know what we want and what we do not. Therefore, our own needs and expectations are complex and layered. We crave for change, but are scared of it too.
I have been involved with some emotionally in the past. I am an emotional person. These emotional flings and relationships have helped me immensely to understand dynamics of courtship that never ends in a marriage.
As you get know people better their real side comes to the fore. And that real side may be very different from your initial estimate, both for the better and the worse.
Sometimes, it is not good to know them the way they turn out to be. And you regret that you now know them the way you do. Some are egomaniacal. They cannot take rejections. They do not want others to decide for them. But they want to play God in their partner’s life. They are therefore looking for partners who they can boss around with. And such relationship ends in a no; the rejection comes from weaker partner. And the rejected, who is used to playing God, cannot deal with the fact that it is a mortal who gets to reject. It is not rejection, but who rejected causes the real pang.
They need a companionship, not necessarily a relationship. But they will deny it to themselves, simply because they feel good being pampered by someone, after a rather blunt rejection: stay away! They feel that they need to inflict pain on others to do justice to their own afflictions caused by a rejection. I feel pity that they will never get what they aspire for because it is not based on parity; in the process lose that they may have now.
Emotions are strange. They give you wrong signals. They make you believe in things that are not true; they make saint appear monster and monsters as someone you should bleed your heart for. But, then, when you get close enough you realise what a disaster you were heading for. It is revealed that person you have attached with is overburdened by past, so much so, that every day of life in future will be coloured and dimmed and sad and layered and calculative and jealous and artificial and in a constant mode of denial. And on bed they are a miserable failure, it feels like carving a logwood. And then you are awakened. And rescued.
But then there is a positive side of the story as well. There are times that you take people for granted at your own peril. And you realise with time what a big disaster it was to lose them. The complex interaction of mind and heart make you do strange things. So as matter of practice, to deliver me from the evil of layered existence and making life miserable and painful by denying thing that one needs the most, I have decided that in the matters of heart, I will apply my mind to minimum possible.
The best way to do this is to be true to your emotions, say what you feel. And that’s it. There is a need for a direct heart to heart interaction with people who do not carry enormous burden of the past. Will I find one?