Thursday, June 16, 2011


How come a hardcore investigative journalist is so pompously emotional?

My last few posts discuss love or withdrawal, their merit and demerits, and that emotions make the strongest weak, meek and weep. It does something to the mind. Emotions churn up your intellect. Cloud your reason. And make you a wreck.

So what is new about it? Who does not know about it?

I am experiencing new things in me. I am doing things that was not known to me. I am trying to be brave, and patient. I am trying to reason out to me. Sometime, I feel it is a disaster that I am dealing with. Sometimes, I see light at the end of the tunnel. Sometimes, I hate what is happening to me, on other occasions, I thank God for putting me through this; I want to see how good I am when going gets tough. So basically I am confused.

What has happened to me? I look hale and hearty. I have done well for myself others tell me. But, I know, I am leading a life of being denied, that should have been mine, that I crave for, what I love. The tragedy is that I have no else, but me, to blame it on. I am kind of become a loner. I like my solitude and freedom. But, also crave for companionship.

I am not complaining. I am blessed with great friends; they are kind to me despite my indifference. I cannot ask for a better family.

There is a lot happening in my life, but there is no progress. I am taking concentric circle. I am pivoted to my own shortcomings. The world around me takes me lightly. At least it appear to. That means that either: I am too good or too bad. The extremities of happenings are kind of pulling me apart. I am jinxed.

Does these rambling make sense? They do not. But they have kept me in good stead.

Ghalib has come to my rescue:

Koi Ummeed Bar Nahin Aati there is little hope
Koi Soorat Nazar Nahin Aati there is no way out
Maut Ka Ek Din Muayyan Hai death is inevitable one day
Need Kyon Raat Bhar Nahin Aati why then sleepless nights?
Aage Aati Thi Hale Dil Pe Hansi earlier I could laugh at the state of my heart
Abb kisi baat par nahin aati now nothing makes me smile

Kyon Na Cheehkoon Ki Yaad Karte Hain why shouldn’t I yell that I remember+miss you
Meri Awaaz Gar Nahin Aati if my voice does not reach you

Marte Hain Aarzoo Me Marne Ki dying of my desire to die
Maut Aati Hai Par Nahin Aati even death evades me,
Kaba Kis Munh Se Jaoge Ghalib how will you face Kaba, Ghalib
Sharm Tumko Magar Nahin Aati you should be ashamed!

It is just a melodramatic phase in my life that is compelling me to make some strong decisions, spur me out of my zero-sum existence.

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