Wednesday, August 31, 2011


There is a need to tell a story of suffering. There is little respite. The solution seems to be a bigger problem. The lesson learned: goodness is the most exploited commodity. Still, there is no bitterness. There is enormous grief.

It is a touching story of a person recently out of jail. He wrote letters to me from jail. I know not, why? I have never met him before. When we met twice after his release, he told me, he felt he could trust me. His trusting me is a great compliment. I force a smile. Trusting his beloved caused him to suffer immensely.

He is still suffering. He is frustrated. His mind is numb. When pain becomes too much it stops to be painful, it becomes a nagging numb.

He tells me story of his certain past. He was happy when he fell in love. He was betrayed. His love was unconditional. He was a handy tool for his lover. She allowed him only to the extent she would want. He always wanted more. Despite, his commitment to her was complete. She knew that. Things became messy for him. She remained spotless clean. He allowed her to use him. He was the only one she could trust. She made him do the dirty work. He did the dirty work. She made him a criminal. He did not blink. He was finally held by the police for drug peddling. He took full responsibility of the crime. She came to see him in the jail. He asked, "Why me?" She told him: "you will be fine."

He was released last month after serving two years of rigorous imprisonment. She wrote two letters to him in this duration. He is got in touch with her. She is a third generation Indian-America from California. Her biggest frustration was that she was constantly made to feel alienated in India. She did not feel at home in the US, either. He tried to make her feel at home.

"She is of course avoiding me now" he tells me. He gets no reply to his mails. When he insists to chat up, she replies in monosyllables. But when she is talking to her American friends, she has so much to say and listen, he complains. He feels alienated by her. He feels alienated by his life. He is become intolerable to her. She does not carry burden of the past. He is the burden of the past. When he begs to talk to her, she does chat up but with a qualification: "I am just going to bed or sleep." Or "I can't talk now." She is perhaps anxious to find an easy way to offload him from her life.

She tells him, "I am in a relationship now. There is no future for us." She had the audacity to tell him that given his past, a convict in a drug peddling case, he will never get a visa to visit the US. He hates himself for loving her. But, he can’t stop loving her. He is worried about her. She thinks only for herself. He thinks always about her. It is not a sacrifice. It is joy personified for him. He wishes good for her. She is away at safe distance from him.

I try comfort him by saying things like time is the greatest healer. “How I am going to spend the time?” he asks me. I suggest him to do a ten days Vipassana (silent, isolated mediation) in Jaipur. He likes the idea.

This weekend he came to see me again. Post Vipassana, he looked relaxed. He will start a new life. He has got his answers. "I love her. I cannot change it. So I accept it. And try not resisting the fact, too much. I love her failings: greediness, loneliness, pettiness and selfishness. Nobody will love her the way I do. I am jealous that she has my potent love by her side. This makes her the most unfortunate person if she cannot even feel it. She is lost me forever. My heart is full of love. I will find someone to love like no one can."

He has got a job with an export firm. He will do well. I drop him to the railways station.

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