Durga Puja this year has come with a lot of changes. The most painful of them is the breakups. In the last couple of weeks, a dozen friends are confronted with emotionally degenerating phase of breakup.
Few of them called me up and informed about it. About others, I learned from reliable sources. I told them things that will comfort them.
Now that i think of it. There is a discernable trend. There is a common set of reasons for it.
It is somewhat strange. The two partners work overtime to invent reasons and narratives, basically, to put the blame for the breakup on the other. But face it: the reason is you and not the partner and this is applicable to both the partners.
A relationship is about sharing, it becomes a turf war, who gets to control what and how much. The relationships are very selfish in nature. It is all about 'what i get from it'? and not ‘what can i give to it?’ It thus, soon, on numerous occasions ‘stops making sense.’
The real pang is that, despite it being self-seeking, it remains very intense. 'I' remains paramount never lets 'we' have a say. One of the menifestaition of this is that both partners work hard to make each other suffer. And suffer themselves. Therefore, breakups comes as a ‘relief’ yet it f@*ks up all the happiness.
‘I' or the ego has the inherent need to control things, outcomes. Human beings are a complex animal, ego subsumes their instincts. They are affected (governed) by ‘n’number of factors where ‘n’ tends to infinity. Many of these factors are not even known to them. So it is fallacious to think that things can be controlled. It is delusional to think this way. It only causes a lot of complications. The great expectations are never met. Things happen in their own ways. Then comes dejection and rejection follows soon.
Rejection: ego loves this term. Ego feels elated to have rejected someone. You get to hear all this so very often, I called off the relationship as it was getting on my nerves. So i am the one who took the call, called it off. I will remain unrelenting. He is suffering. I am suffering too, perhaps more, but as long as he is suffering, my suffering is worth its pain. It is about who can take it more. Who is ready to give in? If none, then move on.
There is a prescribed drill to it, post breakup. Just vanish from the scene for sometime. Try do things that have the ability to occupy your mind, but nevertheless suffer, and cause enormous suffering to the other, and try come to terms with who rejected whom, and tell yourself that i would be careful next time in picking my partner, find a down-to-earth (malleable, less egoistical and pushy) person, and that he is nice and caring (will do as told) and so on. The whole idea is to find someone who is not like ‘I'.
Marilyn Monroe puts it well. “I'm selfish, impatient and a little insecure. I make mistakes, I am out of control and at times hard to handle. But if you can't handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don't deserve me at my best.” So deal with me as i am and not as you want me to be.
The end result is nagging. Both end up punishing someone they love the most and also suffer enormous pain. If only they could think from the 'we' perspective. Even better, if they could think from the perspective of 'you' and not 'I', and not deal in balance sheets—who needs one more than the other kind of equations.
This is hackneyed but needs to be said: Rise in love and not fall in love. Do well to each other.
So all those who have recently parted, stop for a moment and think of each other and not your ownself, there is no bravery in escaping, redeeming is an art, live life present moment, and not bother too much about the future, the long-term perspective sucks the present and fills regret in the future when it comes to relationships.
Please note this is a generalisation, exceptions are always there. But do not be tempted to believe that you are an exception.