I am suppose to be finishing an important piece of writing describing my times in form of a story. Instead, i am making these random notes on a cold morning, is fun, as you do not know where to start and where you will be lead, you are not making sense, and you are not trying to make sense, you are just typing in, and there is no qualification to what you are writing, just free flow of thoughts, and then you put it up, like the way it is written: randomly.
I have caged my mind. I am trying not to think anything. I am thinking not to try to think anything. I am not trying to think of a thought that is bothering me for now more than a year. I have not been able to deal with it, effectively. This thought is powerful, it casts its shadow on everything else I do. I am occupied by this thought. The more i resist not to think about it the more powerful it becomes. So now I accept it. It is there and menifests in various ways. It has had a toll on me. So be it. I am not expecting anything. Nor I am denying anything. I am not dismissing it, either. I am just not trying anything.
So now I close my eyes and try think about things that needs to be done.
I realize that I take so much of liberties with myself. I am unaware. I am in the dark. I am not in control of anything. Sometimes, I am not even a witness to my time, hours roll by and I am not doing anything. But yet seem busy for i don't register the flight of time. That should make me a saint, i am hooked on to my own integral self. Surely that is not the case. There is no consciousness.
I am kind of consumed in my own darkness. And that darkness has engulfed my being because I am not seeking light. There is some good quality to that darkness. It is soothing. There is no tunnel. Therefore no light at the end of the tunnel. I do not need tunnel to be with light. I just need to want light. But I seem to be enjoying this darkness. It is theraputic. And I am subconsciously driven into deeper darkness, light is fading away. That makes me sound like a jerk, drugged and doped.
Now that will change because i am going to light a diya everyday. I will not fight darkness because it is nothing, and you cannot fight something that is nothing, something that does not exist, all you need to do is get some light, light diyas, many diyas, i will light many diyas. All i seek is light in life. Darkness has made me drowsy.
Apply mind! That is so boring, everyone is trying hard to apply their mind into mindless. So for a change i will apply my mind into things that you might feel happy about. Don’t be pressurized about anything, even about applying my mind.
There are things that are not happening in your life but there are other wonderful things happening, life is a tradeoff. But there are reasons for things not happening and the same are the reasons for other things to happen. I am tempted to believe that something far more important is happening in this denial. But there is a need for this thing that is not happening in my life to happen so that I am at the next level of mundane existence. So to make these things happen, try, to increase my realm of consciousness.
Do things differently so there are all the chances that things will happen differently. At the sametime I am trying to be indifferent about the outcome.
I am suffering by not suffering too much for my own reasons. So I cannot blame anyone else for it.
I have a New Year resolution: Don’t be random about things, be aware. Now that I am aware: I am the person I hate the most. This year it has to change this sad fact of life. I have to be the person I am indifferent about. I am perhaps trying too hard, or am not trying at all, kind of confused. So be it!