Sunday, December 16, 2012

Shut up!

Some say because they have a need to say. The need to tell. The need to discuss. The need to inform. The need to own up. The need to explain. The need to articulate. They need to be understood. I have all these needs in me.

What do you do when you tell?

When you tell you provide information. Some information is better than no information. But, is equally true, that partial information can be disastrous. In the affairs of men nothing is back and white. We exist and play in the grey area. No amount of information can sufficiently decode the complex web that is a human mind. There are symptoms that hint at something. Symptoms are  convenient generalisations to understand the complexities of human mind. But there is something very basic that explains all the complexities. And I know what explains my complex mind. But there is no word that captures the real idea of what it is. I want to tell what it is but my descriptions create a different picture. 

There are weak moments where you feel the greater need to find and utter that you think you are.  You look for empathic ears that you trust. You find. You say. And get misunderstood. In my case all the time. Or feel misunderstood. Or even worse not able to say it. And then end up saying what you didn't intended to say.  

As you would know by now reading the above three paragraphs that I have this great ability to say things that add up to nothing. You can squarely blame me for it for offering you to read something meaningless. 

I am tired of fighting this identity business of who I am for I need to be something. And many identities are mutually exclusive. If you are something means equally well that you are not something else. So for a segment of humanity you become a pariah. 

Beyond identities and demands of identities to lead life a certain way is freedom. I want to break free to freedom. I find my freedom is critically dependent on freedom of others. My freedom is not isolated from that of others. What kind of a freedom is this?

I see freedom so clearly in some people when I interact with them. I see it all the time in them. I see things beyond the obvious. The freedom in others might sometimes be suppressed, but it is there. And when I talk about that freedom, my freedom, their freedom, I seem to enter in a trap. My idea of freedom comes across as a constraint. My sharing of freedom binds me harder. 

People come across very different to me then. I see a disconnect between what i see in them, freedom, and what they say they are. Their exercise of freedom binds me further. 

So this need to tell to explain self is fallacious. I guess my freedom is a myth. And if there is something called freedom, it is not free.

Jean-Paul Charles Aymard Sartre, the French existentialist philosopher, playwright, novelist, screenwriter, political activist, biographer, and literary critic said something relevant about freedom. ‘Freedom is what you do with what's been done to you.’

Shunning the need to say might make my freedom free.

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