Monday, September 29, 2014


This is for the first time I have used only two colours--black and white. It's not some momentous feast in my life as a so called artist.  Here, in this painting, I deal with my own life--its ups and downs, and how it has treated me.

Life is not black and white but a thousand shades of gray.

Sadness is a powerful emotion. Like love. I now know me better. 

Intensity of any emotions--more so gloom--helps me deal with me better. 

Shades of gray is a metaphor for emotions, not just life. 

I drew no conclusions, found no answers, just experienced: Emotions are subtle, amorphous, yet in my face, shape me.   

Events and people that influence me, cast their shadow on my life, has to do with it and them, but more importantly, has to do with me. 

There were phases in my life when nothing really could make me grim. And there was a  phase in life when nothing could make me happy. I didn't force myself to be happy.

In this painting, life is the curvacious woman intently looking at me. Empathetic. My life, a witness unto me. While I have surrendered to my being, isolated, yet connected to self, is when dark shadows of gloom engulfed me. I am not resisting. I am not trying to light a candle of hope. I glow with gloom.

I am affected by others. I do seek approval . I have expectations. I am judgmental, too.  

I need certain people in my life. And certain others--not. I was with certain people when they needed me. It's when I need them the most, I gave them reasons, some found reasons, to stay away.

I was confronting my negativeness when I made this painting. My negativity is transferred onto the canvas. I glow with gloom.

Monday, September 22, 2014

letter to a real dopehead one of the things Conversations in the Nude ( has done to me is rather scary. I cannot lie to myself and mostly to others (which could be a big lie)

I see things, the reality, deal with it, or try deal with it, or don't, but that doesn't change anything.

It's good to be true to oneself. 

But bit of a delusion is good too, nebulous--is a beautiful word, to surrender and not to resist, and allow perception of reality [seem like monster peachy keen to eat you] to get blurred a bit, so there's room for the improbable, the flight of imagination can soar high, a mind trip into real world scenarios is possible, where real people happily do fictive exploits, and momentarily cease to be entangled by who they are, their circumstances, like I am entangled by my own realities, and all merge to synergistic euphoria. 

Reality is so stark, like nudity, like bright light, fatalistic, in your face. 

But delusions can seem real and while reality denigrated as delusional. But, at second thought, if it's not real, then it's delusional. But some delusions are life long, or live sustaining, or even life saving. For some, therefore, delusion could be the only reality of life. Like the other day I heard a psychologist argue that insanity is a potent way of asserting one's individuality.

According to a point of view, we are here to spend time, in this world that we perceive as reality, whatever we may do, or not, will die one day. And death, makes no discrimination, is a great leveler. So what's the big fuss?!

Nudity, like reality, is stark, like a wall, hit your head hard on it, won't shake or budge, instead, the skull would crack. The wall-like reality won't change, so, you might as well change, or die with a or due to cracked skull.

There's saving grace --polite way of saying I give in-- sometimes, or many a times, change that beckon is mere need of some adjustment. Like change of attitude, or the way one deals with people, and one's own self. I hope, perhaps, the same reality, after making these 'mere' adjustments, will becomes tenable. 

So confront your reality by doping. That might be your reality. But do let me know, when you are sober, when can we have a sketching session?